Staten Island Parents Uncensored, End of Week Recap….

Joe, the group’s go-to-exterminator is out of Facebook jail. Not sure what nasty little ants reported him…
To think we would to have to deal with our massive roach infestations on our own😬

Kim, a completely innocent parent who may be pro-vaccine,  (looking to stir up some shit) helped the vaccination debate rear it’s toxic head again this week. No, you are not allowed to have an opinion. You are not allowed to disagree. You are not allowed to agree. You are not allowed to post any scientific evidence supporting either side. You just need to shut the fuck up. You need to load your kids up with a cocktail of aborted fetal cells and formaldehyde and thank God you are helping to eradicate preventable diseases OR you need to skip it all together, cross your fingers and hope your child doesn’t develop debilitating Polio. OR you can vaccinate in moderation if you choose. Because either way it doesn’t matter. It’s your kid. You do what you want. Regardless of your choice you will be attacked. You will be called an idiot, ignorant, uneducated and otherwise made to feel like an asshole by strangers sitting on their couch spouting “facts” in 3 day old dirty sweatpants. (Or it it just me that thinks it’s ok to occasionally wash their favorite sweats and occasionally vaccinate their children?) hush. I wasn’t really asking for opinions.

If anyone finds a body floating in the waters off SI, it just may be Kristen. Her daughter spent the week in the hospital, her husband has been working 6-6, her dog has ringworm, her block is flooded and she’s been forced to sleep in an upright position for 72 hours straight. She’s out-of-her-mind delirious. She misses her bed. If she doesn’t jump from The VZ bridge this week someone please cook her dinner and give her a big hug?

Kristin C. has no friends. She drives an Escalade with a payment that rivals my mortgage. She’s going to have to start driving for Uber soon to afford her truck. Either consider befriending her or messaging her for a ride to your next event. She’s lonely.

The sky opened up yesterday and let the island have it. The little snowflake Abraham that left the group with a big F-U the other day may have conspired with Mother Nature to flood the basement of every islander who told him to where to shove it, and then some… I kept my mouth shut and my basement was ok.

Laura (the island’s go-to baker) successfully made 87 cakes this week. She can now pay for the Mobile Cocktail Truck that will be tailgating the late night ice cream truck. Once your blood boils that the ice cream man is on your block after dinnertime, enjoy an artfully made cocktail supplied by Laura. And a cupcake. And relax, seriously, the ice cream man means no harm.

Brian suffers from a debilitating case of arachnophobia. He hasn’t seen a spider in 3 days. He hasn’t shit his pants since Wednesday. In his next life he hopes to come back as a woman because SAHM’s apparently have the ultimate life😂. Last week I causally suggested he not wait for his next life. Gender ressignment surgery is a real thing and a go fund me in the group of 6,300 members can help him achieve his dream. On Tuesday, I  spotted him in Kohl’s lingerie shopping in size 2XL with a coupon code kindly supplied by Laura.  I think he’s getting closer. Soon he may be sitting on his couch all day in frilly underwear while watching soap operas and eating bon bons.  We support you David!!

Erin is offering driving lessons for women who drive SUV’s. She feels we are shitty drivers, lousy parkers and basically a giant liability on 4 wheels.  She’s also extending this offer to David

Linda asked where the north and south shore dividing line was and just questioning it effectively divided members. Turns out you have to shower regularly, wash your clothes and have manicured nails to be socially accepted on the South Shore. Us slobs on the North Shore don’t give a shit. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and I will sell you a home on the North Shore where you can be a socially accepted slob. And if South Shore is your preference…I will wash my SUV, take a shower, blow out my hair, get a mani-pedi, throw on some jewelry, whiten my teeth, change out of my dirty yoga pants, iron my blouse, slide on my Ray Bans, swap out the contents of my beloved beat-up, 15 year old purse, stick them in my Gucci and find you the house of your dreams on the South Shore as well.
Seriously folks, it’s a wonder we (somewhat) get along in this group with this kind of a divide!

Jimmy munches on masturbating Cheetos on Friday nights. See photo.

Jennifer is so fucking tired of buying bread for her kids. They all eat a different kind, they are never happy, endlessly ungrateful children. At the end of the week she has 4 partially filled bags of moldy bread that she has to toss. She’s decided she is just going to send her kids to school with a jar of peanut butter and jelly from now on. She doesn’t care if they choose to spread it on their dirty lunch table and lick it off. She’s fucking DONE.

Kelly dropped her infant on the floor after discovering she had a 109.9 temp. A mysterious substance, closely resembling raspberry purée then began to flow from the baby’s head. She did the smart thing. Rather than calling 911, she consulted the group. With sufficient input from group members, she realized that it was NOT her child. It was actually a doll whose plastic head had been warmed in the sunlight. It fell on a jelly doughnut which splashed its filling all over the kitchen resembling blood. Everyone was relieved. ACS still showed up at her door though. Poor Kelly, she was just looking for answers😔