I’m tired but I want to remember tonight. My 8 year old son asked me for relationship advice. He’s an angel. Like a gift from God, when he’s not with his sister. I drive him to dance sometimes. It’s a 30 minute drive one way. It gives us a lot of time to talk. He’s a talker and I love that  about him. On the way back he asked if my husband and I had life insurance. He wanted to know how it worked. (Is he thinking about offing me?) I told him that if we died it would go to him and his sister. He wanted to know if he could then pass it to his kids (it’s really not that much and I don’t know) I said yes.  He then launched into a convo about how he wonders who he will marry someday.  Did I wonder the same? Did I know his dad was THE one? He wonders what his kids will be named. He hopes he has twins. Am I excited for this? I tell him I just hope that I will be a good grandma someday. He says that he KNOWS I will be, but a bit strict. And what about daddy? (Jesus kid mom and dad started late, I HOPE we make it to grand-kids). Yes Daddy will be a wonderful grandpa I say. (I’m kind of choking back tears at this point, he doesn’t see it). What do you think Daddy will do? …Hmm, he will take your kids out for treats and tickle them and bounce them on his knee and we will be super proud of you and your family.

Mom, will you help me to be a good boyfriend someday? (My heart fucking melts, I might die.) ….Yes love, if you ask me for advice. What do you want to know?

I need to know the 3 rules, and how you ask someone to be your girlfriend. (I’m out of the dating scene for 20+ years now). Ok buddy, it might sound strange since you aren’t actually going out somewhere but we used to say, “do you want to go out with me?”  … but you aren’t going anywhere? …no, it’s just an expression.

What did Daddy say to you?   …he asked me if I would meet him over the weekend for lunch.  …did you? Yes.  Did you know you would marry him? …No. That took time.

“Ok so number one rule?”

-try not to break hearts. Be kind. Let her down easy.

-be respectful. You respect me and Nanny and Grandma. That will come easy to you.

“And respect their parents too or they won’t let me date their daughter!” -good advice James

Hold the door for her, help her put her jacket on, don’t walk ahead of her, hold her hand.  Be good to her, buddy.

“I think I’ve got this mom.” He says as we turn our corner.

Ask me again ok buddy?

My son, my precious son…. 💙

Staten Island Parents Uncensored Monday Recap (with some stuff that didn’t make the end of week recap)

HUUUUUGE News this Monday. Really, Truly, HUUGE.

On Sunday my kids woke up complete assholes. Thanks to support from the group, I learned that most people’s kids wake up assholes everyday. I took comfort in that and moved on. Here’s their asshole faces…

Therese is so enthralled by recent posts, she can’t put her phone down. Her sink is full of dirty dishes and her kids haven’t eaten since Sunday😂 Therese get with it or ACS is coming for you like they did Kelly. At least hand them a bag of chips and a Mountain Dew. It should hold them over for a few days.

Shirli has finally found a strapless bra capable of holding her giant cans up. Don’t bother asking for pics, she’s not an attention-seeking-whore.

Samantha is DEEPLY disturbed by the fact that her friend leaves the wrapper on a blow pop while eating it. A poll was taken. My thoughts, It’s just wrong to leave a wrapper on (and a bit lazy no?) but her manicure IS on point though.

David has spent the last 3 weeks driving around the island collecting orange cones in front of people’s houses. He’s fucking fed with people feeling so entitled that they refuse to park in their driveways and “hold” spots in front of their houses. You don’t own the street. You can’t claim a spot. What has this island come to? Are you going to park a shopping cart on line in the grocery store while you shop “holding” your spot? Stop it. Just stop. Poor Jess was afraid to park in front of her own damn house because her asshole neighbor was “holding” that spot. NO WAY. Call David. He will put an end to that shit. His SUV, basement and garage are now full of cones. His wife is threatening divorce. Con Ed has his face on posters. But I stand behind the man. “No Holdsies.” No more.

A long and heated debate ensued over wether Louie G’s or Ralph’s had the best ices. I can’t even believe such a sensitive topic was brought up. It seems that native islanders stand behind Ralph’s. Brooklyn transplants have a loyalty to Louie’s. You can’t have an opinion here. Just don’t. Your house will be egged. Your car will be keyed, your children will be bullied. Just go and eat your Ralph’s spumoni with pride and don’t look any of those Louie lovers in the eye while you are doing it!

Diana asks, “who has the best roast beef and gravy heros, and NOT John’s deli. She has some serious beef with John. A large number of responses poured in. Members of the group agreed with some and warned against others. Who had food poisoning from where, who found a hair in their hero, who’s meat was way over-cooked. Next time try yelp?

One member asks what is the best way to remove baked-on grease from a cookie sheet. I didn’t even have to read the comments. I know the answer. You throw that shit out.

Another poster is desperate to know if Denny’s on Amboy road has opened yet. Nobody knows. I wish we knew. It’s been taking forevah.

Jimmy had the AUDACITY to inform the group (of 6,300 strangers) that his wife finally put-out. And then he had the GAUL to tag her in the post. I would have knocked my husband right the fuck out. Seriously.

But the award goes to a concerned member who photographed 2 beetles inside her home. She wants to know what they are and if she should be concerned. Joe, the group exterminator couldn’t be reached even after 46 people tagged him in the post. Members left to their own devices (literally) began frantically searching their phones in an attempt to identify the beetles. Stink bug? No. Large brown lady bug? No. Water bug? Not even close. Thanks to resourceful members and the Orkin bug identifier page, it was determined that they are in fact carpet beetles. They are nasty like fuckers that eat clothes, carpet, linens and your children. More attempts to reach Joe failed. She eventually burnt the house down. Problem solved. Done…Then Joe responded.

That’s it in a nutshell. Tell me what I missed.

Staten Island Parents Uncensored, End of Week Recap….

Joe, the group’s go-to-exterminator is out of Facebook jail. Not sure what nasty little ants reported him…
To think we would to have to deal with our massive roach infestations on our own😬

Kim, a completely innocent parent who may be pro-vaccine,  (looking to stir up some shit) helped the vaccination debate rear it’s toxic head again this week. No, you are not allowed to have an opinion. You are not allowed to disagree. You are not allowed to agree. You are not allowed to post any scientific evidence supporting either side. You just need to shut the fuck up. You need to load your kids up with a cocktail of aborted fetal cells and formaldehyde and thank God you are helping to eradicate preventable diseases OR you need to skip it all together, cross your fingers and hope your child doesn’t develop debilitating Polio. OR you can vaccinate in moderation if you choose. Because either way it doesn’t matter. It’s your kid. You do what you want. Regardless of your choice you will be attacked. You will be called an idiot, ignorant, uneducated and otherwise made to feel like an asshole by strangers sitting on their couch spouting “facts” in 3 day old dirty sweatpants. (Or it it just me that thinks it’s ok to occasionally wash their favorite sweats and occasionally vaccinate their children?) hush. I wasn’t really asking for opinions.

If anyone finds a body floating in the waters off SI, it just may be Kristen. Her daughter spent the week in the hospital, her husband has been working 6-6, her dog has ringworm, her block is flooded and she’s been forced to sleep in an upright position for 72 hours straight. She’s out-of-her-mind delirious. She misses her bed. If she doesn’t jump from The VZ bridge this week someone please cook her dinner and give her a big hug?

Kristin C. has no friends. She drives an Escalade with a payment that rivals my mortgage. She’s going to have to start driving for Uber soon to afford her truck. Either consider befriending her or messaging her for a ride to your next event. She’s lonely.

The sky opened up yesterday and let the island have it. The little snowflake Abraham that left the group with a big F-U the other day may have conspired with Mother Nature to flood the basement of every islander who told him to where to shove it, and then some… I kept my mouth shut and my basement was ok.

Laura (the island’s go-to baker) successfully made 87 cakes this week. She can now pay for the Mobile Cocktail Truck that will be tailgating the late night ice cream truck. Once your blood boils that the ice cream man is on your block after dinnertime, enjoy an artfully made cocktail supplied by Laura. And a cupcake. And relax, seriously, the ice cream man means no harm.

Brian suffers from a debilitating case of arachnophobia. He hasn’t seen a spider in 3 days. He hasn’t shit his pants since Wednesday. In his next life he hopes to come back as a woman because SAHM’s apparently have the ultimate life😂. Last week I causally suggested he not wait for his next life. Gender ressignment surgery is a real thing and a go fund me in the group of 6,300 members can help him achieve his dream. On Tuesday, I  spotted him in Kohl’s lingerie shopping in size 2XL with a coupon code kindly supplied by Laura.  I think he’s getting closer. Soon he may be sitting on his couch all day in frilly underwear while watching soap operas and eating bon bons.  We support you David!!

Erin is offering driving lessons for women who drive SUV’s. She feels we are shitty drivers, lousy parkers and basically a giant liability on 4 wheels.  She’s also extending this offer to David

Linda asked where the north and south shore dividing line was and just questioning it effectively divided members. Turns out you have to shower regularly, wash your clothes and have manicured nails to be socially accepted on the South Shore. Us slobs on the North Shore don’t give a shit. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and I will sell you a home on the North Shore where you can be a socially accepted slob. And if South Shore is your preference…I will wash my SUV, take a shower, blow out my hair, get a mani-pedi, throw on some jewelry, whiten my teeth, change out of my dirty yoga pants, iron my blouse, slide on my Ray Bans, swap out the contents of my beloved beat-up, 15 year old purse, stick them in my Gucci and find you the house of your dreams on the South Shore as well.
Seriously folks, it’s a wonder we (somewhat) get along in this group with this kind of a divide!

Jimmy munches on masturbating Cheetos on Friday nights. See photo.

Jennifer is so fucking tired of buying bread for her kids. They all eat a different kind, they are never happy, endlessly ungrateful children. At the end of the week she has 4 partially filled bags of moldy bread that she has to toss. She’s decided she is just going to send her kids to school with a jar of peanut butter and jelly from now on. She doesn’t care if they choose to spread it on their dirty lunch table and lick it off. She’s fucking DONE.

Kelly dropped her infant on the floor after discovering she had a 109.9 temp. A mysterious substance, closely resembling raspberry purée then began to flow from the baby’s head. She did the smart thing. Rather than calling 911, she consulted the group. With sufficient input from group members, she realized that it was NOT her child. It was actually a doll whose plastic head had been warmed in the sunlight. It fell on a jelly doughnut which splashed its filling all over the kitchen resembling blood. Everyone was relieved. ACS still showed up at her door though. Poor Kelly, she was just looking for answers😔

…By the fact that the mask he created has a component awfully close to his mouth and nose that was just sitting atop of his sweaty package.  He’s a creative kid. He likes to dress up. He will do whatever it takes to look “cool.” Or strange in this case. He has a navy blue blazer he’s worn since he was 4. He likes to wear it when he dresses up as a CIA agent. He’s 8. It doesn’t fit. He somehow managed to contort his shoulders a few weeks ago to get it over his sweaty little body. With no shirt underneath. He wore it for an hour or so, trying out the look with various nerf guns and face masks. He then started to complain that his armpits were itchy, his neck was stinging. I suggested he take off the jacket, but it was stuck. I suggested he cool down a bit so I could peel it off easier. But now he was panicking. Beads of sweat were pouring down his forehead and chest. We stripped him of the nerf gun holsters. I took him outside on the deck for some cool air. We worked one shoulder at a time to peel him out of the blazer. He’s a flexible kid, we removed it without tears. He had rugburn on his neck and a rash under his pits. I folded up the blazer and put it in a bag for my 4 year old nephew. I made it clear to my brother that it needed to be cleaned.

He misses the blazer. I will have to get him a new one. Thank goodness for sweaty  sports cups. 

Today my kids woke up full of piss and vinegar.  They have been annoying the shit out of me from the moment they opened their precious little eyes.  They woke exceptionally early for a Sunday.  We went to bed after 11Pm and I figured I could at least sleep till 9 today.  On weekdays, James is asleep by 9:30, I wake him at 7:30am.  Its torture getting him out of bed.  He typically starts rattling off his list of ailments before he closes his eyes at night, in preparation for the following morning where he claims that he ALREADY let me know how sick he is.  How he can NOT go to school today.  His head hurts, his neck hurts, he’s nauseous, he’s gaseous, his legs ache, he might throw up.  But not today.  In fact, not ever on a weekend.  It’s a shame the school-week has him so ill.

Today the two of them woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  There were a few moments of sweet cuddling and chatting which naturally, turned ugly fast.  Cuddling progressed into eye poking, accusations of coughing on the other without covering one’s cough, a dutch oven (not me), the mention of wrestling (not happening), and who was too close to who….  a tired mom can’t catch a break.

We come downstairs to talks of who is bored, who is bothering the other and that there is NOTHING to do today.  I suggest we go to a Food and Music Festival literally a mile from our house.  Him- “Nah, sounds like a lot of walking, my feet hurt…i’m not even hungry.” (it’s in like 4 hours from now, if I starve you, you WILL be hungry).  Her- “no, I’m not interested, let’s just catch it on TV. (this shit is not going to be televised, kid).

I bought the tickets anyway.  I will push my nearly 9 year old in a stroller if I have to.